Pass the gravy, not the baby!
The holidays become very different once you add a child to your family.
Sometimes things that were convenient before you had kids are no longer convenient.
Sometimes behavior that you were able to tolerate before now becomes unbearable
As your family grows, it’s important to realize that it’s OK to set boundaries with family members to get through the holidays.
One common concern I hear as a counselor is holiday parties going past a child’s bedtime.
Parents often worry about their children’s sleep schedules being off. Maybe you were finally
getting your child to sleep through the night only to have the pattern set off due to numerous
holiday gatherings. When child sleep is off it also impacts parents. Sure your child can sleep in
the car on the ride home, but perhaps it’s you who needs the rest when you know their routine
will be off due to attending late holiday parties.
It is OK to set limits on how late you can stay at a holiday party. I often recommend setting a
boundary in advance (ie “we will have to leave by 7pm). If family members don’t respect the
boundary it’s OK to leave at the time you established you planned to leave. Dessert isn’t ready
yet and it’s past the time you said you needed to be home? Feel free to pass on dessert if you
have already established your plans to leave by a certain time. Don’t feel obliged to stay later if
it doesn’t work for your family, even if other family members pressure you to stay longer.
Another concern families have is the pressure to juggle multiple holiday gatherings.
It’s important to focus on what’s important to your family. Some families prefer to rotate which
families they visit each year, especially if gatherings are held on the same day or relatives don’t
live near each other. Is it important to make time to see everyone? It’s OK to stay for a shorter
period of time if you need to make multiple family gatherings. It’s good to communicate these
boundaries in advance prior to attending a gathering.
Often when welcoming a new family member you will find people are fighting over their turn to
hold your baby. In past generations it was more popular to pass a baby around like they were a
football! Now parents have concerns about germs (especially as the pandemic was not that long
ago) and the concerns that it can upset a child to be passed around to too many strangers.
Find what boundaries work best for your family. If you are relieved to get a break in order to eat
your Thanksgiving dinner with two hands, take advantage of the chance to pass your child on to
their doting grandparent. If you have concerns about family members not getting vaccinated or
being ill around your child, feel free to set that boundary in advance.
It’s also OK to say no if you believe your child is getting overstimulated and you’d prefer not to have them passed around.
Different families will have different values. Find what works best for your family. Don’t let the
pressure of the holidays interfere with setting healthy boundaries if you feel they are important
to you. Following these boundaries can make the holidays more enjoyable for all.
By: Liz Bayer, LPC
Comments